I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Someone shattered a urinal.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
