Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
