The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
