I accidentally had phone sex last night
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
