My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
