i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
