i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Can you bring me the toilet please
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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