We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
