around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Randomize
