I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
