I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize