Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
