It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
