i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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