dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Too much gin, very little bucket
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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