it hurts more in the daytime
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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