Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
