Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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