My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
