zippers are such a cool invention
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
