My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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