Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
