Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
