he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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