I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
