who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
