definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
