I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
