You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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