Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
