i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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