MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
