Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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