does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
