I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
