my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
