Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
