I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize