the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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