apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
