Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
