Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
