did you get engaged???
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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