Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
