Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
