Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
