Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
