i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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