I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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