The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
