When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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