Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
