The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
