Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
