he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
