you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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