My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
