i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
