my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
