I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
