Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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