I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
