did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
